Role of Family Children Growing up
By Dr. Abdullatif Bin Ibrahim Al-Hussain *
The existence of a family is an extension to the human life
and the secret behind human continuity. Every human being is inclined by nature
to have a house, wife and children, and whereas the family is the basic unit in
building the society and represents a high-caliber, specific-purpose bond, it
is fostered by religions in general, though Islam tops all with the greatest
attention, Allah the Almighty says “ Truly, we did offer Al-Amanah (the trust
or moral responsibility or honesty and all the duties which Allah has ordained)
to the heavens and the earth) (1) . Al-Amanah implies undertaking the duty
towards wife and children, as the guardian is obliged to order his dependants
to perform prayer and safeguard them from wrong-doings and time-wasting,
because he is entrusted and charged by Allah to discharge such obligation (2).
Attending to the family is extensively discussed globally,
particularly in recent times, at states, agencies and international
organizations levels, as each is attempting to create a pattern of its own
through raising freedom and equality slogans, calling for discarding the
traditional family and working to develop its structure, or calling for ridding
the contemporary family from restrictions and making it up with deviant and
forbidden relations.
In contrast, a host of writers embarked upon expounding the
Islamic approach with respect to upbringing (3).
Reinforcing the role of a family in nurturing kids is of
supreme importance that requires rallying the efforts of fathers, mothers,
scholars, preachers, educationalists and media people to preserve the structure
of the good family in society. It is a trust on us before Allah the Almighty.
One is rewarded on fulfilling his family-related rights. If done well , that is
OK, otherwise the contrary is true. Allah the Almighty says “ O you who
believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel
is men and stones (4)). Proceeding from this important fact, we will address
here the definition of the family, responsibility of parents in bringing their
children up, building of values and conduct, the importance of good treatment,
the dangers facing the family, in addition to some directions to the family.
Firstly, Definition of a Family:
Ibn Manzhoor says: “A man’s family is his kins and closest
relatives because he seeks strength from them, and the family is a man’s kins
and folks” (5). The holy Qoran mentioned husbands, sons and grandsons in the
sense of a family, Allah the Almighty says “ And Allah has made for you Azwaj
(mates or wives) of your own kind , and has made for you, from your wives, sons
and grandsons, and has bestowed on you good provision. Do they then believe in
false deities and deny the Favor of Allah (by not worshiping Allah Alone” (6).
Sheikh Abdul Rahman Bin Siada -may Allah have mercy on him- says:
“ Allah the exalted tells about his credit on his servants,
as He made for them spouses to live peacefully with, children to make them
happy and who serve them, fulfill their needs and avail them in many ways, and
fed them of fine foods, drinks and visible graces , not countable by servants”
(7).
Secondly, Responsibility of Parents in Children’s
Upbringing:
Allah the Almighty has created people to love their kids by
nature. Allah says: “Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this
world” (8). Parents spend dearly to rear and educate their children. Their
obligation here is tremendous. Children are entrusted in their parents.
Emphasis is laid on house nurturing firstly with the mother upholding the
upbringing particularly in first years. Their pure hearts are precious jewels
free of any inscription or image, and they are malleable for any formatting. If
they are accustomed to the good and kindness, they will grow up with it, be
happy in this life and the Hereafter, and take a share in their parents reward.
If they are accustomed to evil and wrong , they get unhappy and perish and the
err hangs on their parents necks and their guardians (9).
We can say that the family has a considerable role in
catering for their children – since they are born- and in forming their manners
and behavior. What a superb statement made by Omer Bin Abdulaziz – May Allah
have mercy on him- when he says “Righteousness emanates from Allah, and conduct
from parents” . He who analyze the character of Salahaddin Al-Ayoobi-May Allah
have mercy on him- will find out that the secret of his success and distinction
is linked to the upbringing he received at home. What a fine phrase that says:
“ The success of every great man is due to educating parents” (10), and as some
psychologists say: “ Give us the first seven years of children, and we will
give you the formation shape they are going to take” , and it is said: “ Men
are not to born, but they are made” , and as expressed in poetry :
Boys are
brought up in as much as their parents nurture them.
Negligence of children upbringing is a crime ensuing
severest consequences as portrayed by the poet:
Carelessness of
offspring rearing is a crime resulting in catastrophes to parents.
I will tell a story in this regard that a man has stolen a
lot of money and he was presented for punishment. He requested to see his
mother, and when she arrived he asked her to approach to kiss her, then he bit
her bitterly. He was asked to explain what he has done? He said: I stole an egg
when I was a kid, but she encouraged and approved my wrong-doing until I got to
my current position (11).
Thirdly, Family and Building of Values & Conduct:
Parents, within the framework of family, have peculiar
techniques of instilling values and behaviors in their children at different
occasions. Therefore, any deviation of the family from what is right, will lead
to children delinquency.
Value guidance emanates from within the household, then the
mosque, school and society. The family is where the child gains his values and
learn about right and wrong, good and evil. He receives these values without
argument in his first years, where his character’s elements take shape and his
identity features manifest on his behavior and manners, thus, the
responsibility of a family provider lies in educating his family members on
high values and good manners, and not focusing only on securing livelihood,
food, drinking and clothing. The prophet , peace and prayer of Allah be upon
him, says “ You are all guardians and responsible of your dependants, the Imam
(prayer and religious leader) is guardian and responsible of the people he
leads, the man is responsible of his family members, the woman is guardian and
responsible of those within her husband’s house” (12). He used to say to his
companions – may Allah be pleased with them- : “Go back to your families, stay
with and educate them”. ( 13).
Ibn Al-Qayyim –may Allah have mercy on his soul- says: “ He
who neglects teaching his kid what would avail him, and leaves him uselessly,
has done him the biggest insult. Most of the deviant kids have become so due to
their fathers’ lack of caring and attention to them, abandoning teaching them
their religion’s duties and Sunnah. They lost them while they are young, so
they made no good to them when they grow and not benefiting their parents when
they get older” (14).
The story of the man who came to Omer Bin Al-Kattab, the
Commander of the Faithful –May Allah be pleased with him- to complain his son’s
ingratitude. Omer requested to meet his son. He asked the son about his
ungratefulness to his father. The son replied that his father has given him a
bad name and never taught him a single verse from the Holy Quran. Then, Omer
said to the man “ You were ungrateful to your son before he did so to you”.
Thus, boys should be habituated from childhood to some basic
things, such as:
They should be instructed to follow the right faith:
Introducing children to the importance of Oneness of God, and explain that to
them in a simplified manner parallel to their intellect.
Arouse the attitude of God’s fearing: Explaining the Names
& Attributes of Allah and their effect in them.
Urge them to perform prayers, for the Prophet –Pease Be Upon
Him (PBUH) - says “ Order your boys to do prayers when they reach seven years,
and beat them to do so when they reach ten years, and have them sleep
separately” (15).
Exercise good manners and general morals:
Fourthly, Good treatment in guiding children:
Islam directs for equal treatment between children in terms
of moral and material giving, and asked to treat boys and girls alike with no
discrimination for boys over girls.
Islam calls for creating a stable atmosphere for children to
grow up free of psychological complexes and social pressures. The prophet
(PBUH) says: “ The best of you are those who are good to their families, and
Iam best of you to my family” (16). He (PBUH) used to joke with the youngsters
(Refer to his words to Aba Omair) (17).
Families differ in treating their kids in three ways:
Hard Treatment: Characterized by harshness in handling such
as scolding, threatening or beating with no legitimate rules or limits, or neglecting
children under the guise of workload and repeated traveling, and so kids will
be deprived of their benevolence and interaction.
Soft Treatment: In which all the child wishes are answered.
This is called “Spoilt Upbringing” and excessive pampering leads to emergence
of disordered personality.
Moderate Treatment: Depends on mixing between wisdom and
passion, offering advice and guidance. Consequently, a proper and right
character will be formed , and if children showed no response to advice and
guidance, parents resort to rebuke and then desert them, deprive them of the
things they like most sometimes, and eventually beat them – if necessary- to
bring them back to the right track. This kind of treatment is the right one
that should be adopted by the family. Dr. Akram Dia Al-Umari says: “ Loving a
child does not mean not to straighten and educate him the social morals and
conduct from childhood, like having him become used to treat his friends well,
respect the elders and reinforcing self-control in him, namely, his capacity to
define the guidelines for his behavior towards the others. Hence, a balance
should be stricken between straightening and sympathizing with the child, and
while submitting all the time to the child desires is no good, it is also not
recommended to keep pressurizing and suppressing him. Over-tampering will not
prepare him to face up to the difficulties of life, and increased pressure will
make him introvert, suppressed and feel deprived” (18).
Fifthly, Dangers facing the Family:
There are many dangers confronting the family, summarized as
follows:
A. Discrepancy in the Parent’s Words & Deeds:
Some fathers and mothers contradict themselves by
themselves, as they order the kids to do some things they do not respect
themselves. These matters cause sharp variance to children. The father who
lies, teaches his kids to lie. Also, the mother who cheats her neighbor in
front of her daughter teaches her daughter bad manners.
B. Schism between the School and Family:
The splitting between the role of the family in caring and
guidance, and the role of the school in education has numerous adverse effects,
therefore, co-operation should be extended between the family and he school,
and creating an atmosphere of trust and co-operation in the pursuit of bringing
children forward to building and giving.
C. Presence of Foreign Maids & Housekeepers:
The presence of
foreign maids and housekeepers has become a significant phenomenon in the Gulf
community, and the presence of those have grave impact to the social nurturing
of the family, particularly the infidel and deviant ones. The family should be
aware of the danger and dimensions of the presence of foreign maids and caution
against their evils.
D. The Media:
Researches and studies findings underscore undoubtedly that
the Arabic Muslim is exposed to dangerous influences and that his character
while still being formed is subject to different negative pressures. Shemon
Berese –Former Prime Minister of Israel- “ It is not us who will transform the
Arabic world, but it is that small dish they put over their houses roofs” (19).
E. Leisure and time-wasting:
Children should be engaged to make use of their spare time.
The prophet (PBUH) says: “Two blessings are mostly envied: Health and leisure
time” (20). There are the works where they can help and obey their parents,
they can also be habituated to attend recitations and study sessions of Quran,
reading Companions and famous worshipers stories, or listening to beneficial
tapes etc.
__________
Sharia & Islamic Studies College, Al-Ihsa, Imam Mohammed
Bin Saud Islamic University
Source: Islam Today
